By Lisa Erickson (Guest Blogger) –
To my Migraines
Words cannot express my gratitude for you because after all it’s always been about my feelings, my quality of essence, refinement of my emotions and hope. First of all, I am so sorry I blamed you for dishonoring myself. Dishonor runs deep. I see how I dishonored myself every single time I didn’t accept the way I felt or behaved. I didn’t realize that my feelings are my journey and I didn’t honor that. I now see that you were only trying to call my attention to the fact that I was not always acting on behalf of my highest good and in doing so disconnected myself from spirit. I see now you are my best friend. You are the most loyal, fiercest, courageous and resiliently dedicated shadow aspect of myself that incessantly alerted me to when I wasn’t choosing in accordance with my highest good and I am forever grateful I finally listened after 30 years.
Because of your persistence, I face my feelings now instead of being in hell decorated with spiritual ideas. I am accountable for all my actions. I take responsibility for my own state. I stopped looking outside for reasons for my pain. I’m sorry I let my issues get tangled up in issues of others. I realize I wasn’t comfortable being uncomfortable. You kept crying out over and over for my attention in the form of daily pain. I would not listen. I would try to snuff you out with medication and unconscious denial by deflecting my awareness out of the present moment. I now accept and love my Shadow gifts even though they are challenging and I work with hope instead of expecting it to appear out of nowhere. I can finally see all the gifts that are on the other side of my migraines.
When I ask myself how did I get so lost, I know it’s because I wasn’t taught how to manage my feelings. As the old adage goes, “When we know better, we do better.” I am accountable for my own aura, chemistry and emotions. I now flow through life and live without any emotional debts accruing. I learned to stop judging myself and in that space I stopped judging others (work in process). All that was required was self-honesty. I learned to own my own stuff and treat myself and others with dignity no matter how they behave. Isn’t it funny, some people would call it Grace….
I realized many of us have the same core wound or “fall from grace”. You taught me that there is an innocence in us that doesn’t know if it matters or not. I’m sorry I used my pain to deny what I needed to uncover-Do I matter? Or, if I matter, to who or what or how do I matter?” I actually thought I was doing pretty well in life. As if chronic migraines weren’t a loud enough wake-up call. The scoop is, there was this needling wound, a core belief that was on silent repeat in my subconscious: I used to feel that what I had to say wasn’t important or that what I had to say wasn’t as important as what someone had to say. I didn’t realize this was even operating in me but with your guidance, I traced it back to when I was a child.
My perception was I didn’t have a voice or a choice. The environment I grew up in didn’t lend itself to me feeling acknowledged or at least that was my perception. Migraines (and Matt Kahn) taught me a very important question to ask myself in order to disarm my conscious mind. This important question is, “How may I serve you?” When I ask my innocence a question I am giving my own power back to me by giving my innocence a voice with a choice. Asking that question to myself (sometimes I gently rest my right hand over my heart when I ask this question) changes my entire vibration. It imbues my field with self-worth which raises my vibration and believe it or not increases my prosperity. I am no longer someone who is programmed to view myself by the way other people see me or treat me. I am feeling, dealing and healing.
I love you migraines because you taught me both the art of love and war. I prefer the art of loving you instead of resisting you. I love you migraines because as soon as I surrendered to you and loved you instead of battling the pain, you silently retreated into a white flag of love and compassion. In loving you I was loving me. And all along I thought I had to fight you. You taught me it’s o.k. to feel overwhelmed, confused, afraid, abandoned, lonely, angry, happy, exuberant, excited, free, energized but only when I actually am. You taught me its o.k. to feel whatever I feel as long as I am feeling it.
The inability to feel what was arising in me contributed to many volcanic eruptions of my head. Caroline Myss once referred to you, dear migraines as “Geyser attacks of my brain.” And then she asked me, “What was I going to do about you?” I quietly and humbly told her, “ I don’t know.” That was 7 or 8 years ago. Back then I was hoping she was going to tell me how to solve my problem.
I love you migraines because you taught me how to consciously breath. I became conscious of the fact I was breathing shallow. Shallow breathing constricts awareness. Deep breathing expands awareness. There are so many scientific and spiritual reasons to breath deeply and consistently which I don’t need to get into here. But a thought struck me…What was the first thing I did when I was born? Breath. What is the last thing I will do before I die? Breath. What is the one thing I can trust and count on doing the entire time while I live? Breath. There is magick in my breath. I always come back to my breath. I heard yogis and contemplatives say this all the time and I never quite understood it. Some things the intellect just can’t explain. I had to feel it, experience it. Mindful breathing creates space and awareness to see my issues at hand and regulates my organic nature. My breath taught me how to understand, nourish and provide for my needs in conjunction with the cosmos.
I love you migraines because you taught me how delicious healthy living really is. You taught me difference between high frequencies and low frequencies. You taught me about mindfulness, awareness and management of my energy and emotions. My awareness required that I forgive myself for many things even silly things. Self-forgiveness made me conscious of my choices. It made my life more simpler, more beautiful and peaceful. You taught me the ability to discriminate between my physical and non-physical needs. I now see how I sometimes acted out of reaction versus responding. I think about all the underlying principals or triggers that contribute to you. Each migraine was infinitely different than the one before it. One day’s trigger could be another days treasure. Before I’d pop a pill, now I meditate every day. It usually does the trick along with a daily scan of my emotions. and a dose of Migraine Magick (www.migrainemagick.com) I do try to eat properly, hydrate, exercise and watch the weather, sleep regularly but that doesn’t always work out. You also taught me that if I exist in a frequency where there is only love then my remedy is love and that manifests in all kinds of forms of self-love and self compassion.
I really still to this day can’t believe how I silently suffered for so long. I never asked for help and I never expected it. I was used to doing this on my own. You taught me it is o.k. to need people. We all need people to a certain degree. My nature is still hyper-sensitive and everything that I love and learned about you I have incorporated into my lifestyle of migraine management as opposed to pain management and I do my work.
I love you because you taught me how to love myself more not less especially during painful times. You taught me how to change the way I associate love in my subconscious. I was told “I love you” by people I love. However, several times their actions demonstrated otherwise, their actions were painful and not in accordance of the love they were speaking of. I now know their actions only showed me where they were at in their journey. But I interpreted that as how little I mattered to them or maybe even to life itself…and so my innocence learned to distrust. And I thank you because I know its o.k. to admit that that persons actions traumatized me. I don’t have to identify with it and walk around with a survivor sticker on my head.
I love you because you forced me to get real honest with myself. When I feel sad, lost, afraid, joyous, blissful, enthusiastic, I now receive whatever comes my way and let it fuse into my DNA. I now trust everything. I began to re-open up my heart to life. I began to love it, let it crush me, drown me and finally let life in me. Slowly I began to relax. The more I drop my incessant concerns about life and others, the more I radiate this presence inside me. No agendas just love. You made me realize that I don’t need help. I needed to be reminded of what it feels like to be in the presence of love. And through it all I realized fear is safe. It’s a naturally occurring emotion just like joy. I am no longer in stuck in “fear mode” or survival mode 24/7. I receive and trust whatever comes my way now. I consciously disentangled my codependent nature with you. Instead of waiting for you to happen to me, I love you daily.
Dearest migraine I’m sorry I associated you with pain instead of what you are-grace…“Grace, it seems inevitable.” – Richard Rudd
Every day the higher frequency of my migraines continue to shine new gifts into my life in place of the pain that once occupied decades of space. I sometimes ponder if we were to gather all the energy of pain contained in all the migraines, headaches and anxiety of all the people who experience it in the world, and flipped the switch of that “energetic pain body” to a higher operating frequency it could be as strong if not stronger than a nuclear reactor but for good. Imagine that…
I don’t always know when grace will occur and I can’t make it happen. All I can do is prepare the soil (my nature) to be ready when it does. It’s a transformational field in which I am constantly being refined. The true miracle of my migraines is and was my shifts in perception when I finally asked you what you are here to tell me. I am grateful to you that you never left until I realized your gifts. I love you because I know you are a form of divine grace. Grace is buried in every shadow. It’s a gift given to us to open up to another possibility. “Grace can mean many things to many people. But it’s also the same for all people. There are states of being that transcend suffering” (Richard Rudd). When and if we meet again it is always my honor to listen to what you are trying to tell me.
And I ask you now every day how can I serve you instead of waiting for you to come to me. I could go on and on about your gifts. Today I can honestly say that my chronic pain that led to my chronic pain condition was one of the best things that happened to me. I have been blessed to help several people cope with their migraines, headaches and anxiety. I know without a doubt you are trying to impart divine wisdom and grace. I love you migraines and its time for your well-deserved rest. I got this now.